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Failure, the Pause that Refreshes

My first attempt at unifying the personal and the environmental in a single identity and then embarking on a unified clean up of self within and without the skin self boundary has failed the first week plan. I have gained weight, not meditated and have mostly lost sense of unified identity I was experiencing earlier.

Failure is a relief, failure is interesting, failure can be a path to follow into something new. So where new? Where, in what direction? Am I looking at this process with new inspiration and insight but with old eyes.

Should I deal with the sense of being entoombed in my adaptation to my culture and family circumstances first? Should I deal with unconscious assumptions about causality? Should I stay on the knife edge of frustration and dissatisfaction? Should I start at the first step of a 12 step approach? Should I pray to my larger self? Should I go micro and Buddhist with the ninandas?

Out of this I want to startaking a starting ritual and practice.

I’ve run fast and far

Now come to a stop

Now a stop

A rest For now

Maybe I will just stop with this linear planning. Instead of a start I think I need a stop. What would happen if I stopped? My first thoughts are that I would need to find a way to intensify and prolong my ability to keep past, present and future together in my awareness. In addition I think I would have to come up with ways of staying in touch relationship to everything I experience on both sides of my skin boundary. I like the Buddhist attitude expressed in the sutra of Huneng of being neither attached nor detached from any experience, that feels like my image of being in a touch relationship with everything I experience (we are in touch). It would be interesting to see if intensifying those two ways of experiencing would lead to a way of healing nature on both sides of my/our skin boundary.

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